Wednesday, April 18, 2012

How I lost my child and found myself.

My little guy imperfectly playing with mud while getting over chicken pox. :)

 You see it in blog land.
You see it at the middle school.
You see it at the soccer field.
Parents trying to be perfect parents.
They are the ones who seem to always be prepared.
They are the ones who seem to have it all together.
They are the ones that seemingly have never seen a day of trouble in their life.
You know, the Mom who never forgets her child's snack day.
The Dad who is always the coach for his son's team.
Their children who always say please & thank you and never forget to put on clean socks.
They post those perfectly posed pictures on Facebook.
They paint a life that is not real.
They are working hard to appear to have it together.
They think the key to being a perfect parent is to APPEAR to be the perfect parent.
They would never let you know that behind close doors, they don't have it all together.
They are struggling to make the car payment.
They are dealing with a child who may have a learning disability.
They are dealing with marital issues.
They are struggling to present a family that clearly does not exist.
I know this.
Because I was this.
I wanted everyone to see the perfect family.
I wanted that so that it could appear that I was successful.
Then the Lord stripped it away.
He brought me to my knees.
He let the unthinkable happen.
There was no way I could pretend this did not happen.
There was no way I could hide the ugliness of our failure this time.
He let my child come home.
I was 25 weeks along with child number #4.
I woke up with pain.
36 hours later.
At home.
With my other beautiful children unknowingly watching TV in another room.
I spontaneously gave birth to my son in our empty tub.
He was not alive.
He had not been for some time.
There was nothing I could do.
I wanted to close the world out.
I did not want anyone in that room.
But I was not well either.
I was dying. 
I had no choice, I had to let life be real and imperfect.
I surrendered it to the Lord.
I let go of perfectly crafted party invitations.
I let go of having a house that you could eat off the toilet seat.
I let go of only telling other mothers how excellent my children were.
I let go of the whispering about the Mom whose child was having a meltdown at the park.
I let go of the front I put on for everyone.
I let it all go for the Lord.
And I found peace and freedom I never knew.
He wants us to be transparent, so in our failures....
In our short comings....
In our imperfectness...
When our family does not fall out of Good Housekeeping...
We turn to Him.
So that others see it is not US who is perfect, but Him.
So that others might see that we are imperfect but He loves us anyways.
So that others will see that they too do not have to be perfect to be loved.
If you are hanging on to that perfect parent, let it go.
Trust in the Lord.
He is the perfect parent.
His love, mercy, grace and peace is more than enough for us.
He knew my fourth child would be with him.
He knew that I would have a fifth child who was perfect in every way.
He knew that I would soon learn what it meant to be a perfect parent.
I had to let go of the world's vision of it and adopt His vision.
I still struggle.
I try to put those chains back on after He freed me of them.
When I do....
I think of my son, sitting at the Lord's feet.
Whatever your struggling with today, let it go.
Let go today and let God. 

(If you do all or some of the things listed above, I am in no way saying your not being true to who you are. They are just examples of my own struggle and my own front I put before people.)


Bama Girl said...

Oh Chele! I'm so sorry for your loss! My heart is breaking for you at this moment! This post was so beautifully written and your heart is so open now! I pray that God uses this to minister to others who've experienced these things, even if they haven't lost a child! I pray for God to minister to you and your family as well! Thank you so much for sharing! Blessings from Bama!

Chele said...

I so often see people refusing to turn their life over to Christ because of this false sense that they have to be perfect. Or that their sin is so great that it can never be forgiven. Then I had to realize when I was not transparent in my life, I was part of the problem. When I made it look like that with God everything was perfect & roses then people who did experience failure, hardship or pain would thing they were not doing something right. Which is the furtherance from the truth. In those times of suffering is when we draw closest to the Lord. When we no longer walk with Him but He carries us. And we should be showing people not the perfectness of ourselves but of Him. Because of His perfect love for me, He casts out fear of failure, fear of nonacceptance and fear of imperfection. We have to learn to let go and let God. :)